Why you should vote for me

Since I am away for much of October, I hope you’ll forgive me having a little fun. This does not fit the slow mission brief but in this year of elections, I offer an unbeatable manifesto to win any election anywhere.

1. Abolish January 31st and add a day to June instead. Further, whatever day it actually falls, make that June 31st always a Saturday. So if June 30 is a Tuesday, say, the next day, the 31st, would be a Saturday. Then July 1st would be a Wednesday as normal, and the universe would continue untroubled. There are never enough Saturdays in June, and since most people live in the Northern Hemisphere, a global referendum would lead to a clear majority in favour of my proposal.

2. Make ironing illegal. Too many of us waste too many hours at ironing boards. Criminalize it. If you are found guilty of ironing, you will be fined up to £1000 but this money does not go to public funds, you will be required to spend it on non-iron clothing.

3. Every piece of clothing should be fitted with a ‘girlfriend tag’. Connected to a suitable phone app, the girlfriend tag will tell you if

(a) what you are wearing matches whatever else you are wearing

(b) if it’s suitable for whereever you’re going today (having consulted your calendar)

(c) if it even suits you and

(d)if you should have thrown it out years ago.

Vote for me! Except I’m not standing.

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